Added: Feliciano Strecker - Date: 03.09.2021 11:03 - Views: 46491 - Clicks: 1209
If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship. Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin.
All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments.
For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy — buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen — but the type that keeps people small and diminished. Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression — whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy.
They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants. Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time for the relationship and less likely to abandon. Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants — control. Families are a witness to our lives — our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws.
All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time a decent, thriving human. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core. Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs — but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say.
There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be. Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better.
The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts. Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships.
In any healthy relationship, love is circular — when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be. Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. We Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better — but they will always get better. Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. Think of it like this.
Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other. For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth.
Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was.
Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again. Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards.
It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people or person who feel so bad to be with. You will have heard the word plenty of times before. Love never holds people back from growing. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one. If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you.
Their choice. Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time they are choosing not to be with you.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation — whatever they do. The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished. When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you.
You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to. There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them. It is always okay.
And it is always — always — worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess. Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever.
Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step. One day they might catch up to you — not catch you, catch up to you — with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you. You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness.
This is one of the hardest Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones. Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one.
Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It never was. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him.
Thank you so much for this article. I just got out of a very toxic relationship of 8 years. We have 2 children, and for a while my mind was set on salvaging the relationship for my children. I have worked since I was At 15 I had spine surgery that failed. At 30, I was approved for Disability because I have 3 herniated discs, arthritis of the spine, disc degenerative disease, and my scoliosis has come back.
I live off Disability. He has 4 other children of which he never financially supported either. Recently, i found out for the last 3 years he has been cheating on me with a woman who used to prostitute herself and use crack and heroin. It was the last straw. He said she treats him better than I ever did and that he never really loved me, he only stuck around for the. He has a very long extensive criminal background, including a domestic charge for breaking my nose.Serious relationship tired of unintelligent people wasting my time
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Dealing With Difficult People